is your mom at the bar?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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