too bad you live with your parents still
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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