hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
