my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
