took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
