you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
