Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
