Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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