it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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