I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
