If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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