the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
