I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
