I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
