He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
