They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
