11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
