i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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