Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
