i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
