I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
