Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
