Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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