Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
