not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
