Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
