I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
