and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
