don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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