i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Randomize
