i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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