Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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