i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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