Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
