We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
