New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
