I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
