He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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