So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
