why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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