We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
