Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Randomize
