chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Houston, we have a squirter
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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