he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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