so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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