Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
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