Apparently you make a good broom.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
