Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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