I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
