What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
