Tell her she can't have a vagina
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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