walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
