the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
